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Showing posts from September, 2014

7. Anger from Narcissistic Abuse

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Anger from Narcissistic Abuse by Gail Meyers


© by Gail Meyers When I learned there is a name for all of the abuse, lying and manipulative maneuvers of my narcissistic mother, I almost immediately acquired an insatiable appetite for reading everything I could about the disorder.  I was astounded that complete strangers I had never met experienced the same abuse no one ever seemed to understand.  Of course, after a lifetime of invalidation, the temporarily unquenchable thirst for more makes perfect sense.

Naming Narcissistic Mother's Manipulation Tactics Besides being validating to learn the name of the problem was narcissistic personality disorder, it was also validating and healing to learn her maneuvers have names.  Many of the narcissistic mother's manipulation tactics are identified and  discussed in previous chapters, including:

ScapegoatingGaslightingPlaying the Victim While Vilifying the True VictimSmear CampaignsThe Silent TreatmentMasquerading as a Christian while display…

7.b. Writing Letters to a Narcissistic Mother

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© by Gail Meyers At some point in the recovery process many of us consider writing letters to our narcissistic mother, enabling fathers or various flying monkeys. While it is usually a good idea to write the letters in order to clarify your thoughts and help process your feelings, most of the advice is against actually mailing the letters.  The literature from professionals, comments from others, and my personal experience are all consistent with this advice.  So, I think this is wise in most instances, but not a nicely packaged answer to be imposed on everyone in every situation.      
Reasons Not to Mail Letters There are valid reasons not to mail the letters: 

First of all, a narcissistic mother who has spent decades invalidating her child to the core of their being is not suddenly going to validate the content of your letter.  I know you may desperately want or need for her to, but highly narcissistic mothers do not suddenly take responsibility for their actions - ever.  There ar…

6.d. Narcissistic Mother's Guilt Trips

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© by Gail Meyers
Many adult sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers are intimately familiar with guilt trips.  Guilt trips are used by narcissistic mothers to manipulate you by using your own conscience against you.  Effective guilt trips cause you to feel bad while you simultaneously build up resentment toward the guilt tripper.  Even so, narcissistic mother gets her way while keeping you in a place of doubting yourself.

Since guilt is often so effectively used for manipulation, narcissistic mothers have quite a few favorite guilt trips. A  narcissistic mother masquerading as a Christian will even attempt to convince you God is her ultimate flying monkey with her honor thy mother and forgive and forget guilt trips previously discussed.  So, the following are a few other favorite guilt trips narcissistic mothers love to use.

If You Really Loved Me!She accused me more than once of not loving her, but I know the truth of the matter is that was projection revealing her true feelings …

5.e. Narcissistic Mother's Silent Treatment

© by Gail Meyers  The silent treatment is "the act of ignoring and excluding a person or group by another person or group." It is a passive-aggressive form of communication that conveys contempt, disapproval and displeasure. It can be used in virtually any relationship for a variety of reasons, but control is the core issue in the silent treatment.
The silent treatment can be so destructive to relationships that John Gottman included it as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationships. In other words, it is a relationship killer.  While some may use the silent treatment prior to learning more effective communication skills, it is often used by abusive narcissistic mothers to control, punish, test boundaries, avoid accountability and avoid even discussing unpleasant issues.

Cooling Off Period v. the Silent Treatment A cooling off period is not the same as the silent treatment. A cooling off period can actually be healthy for a relationship when both people remai…

5.d. The Smear Campaign: Narcissistic Mother's Lies and Gossip

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© by Gail Meyers Narcissistic mother's smear campaign involves lies, gossip and slander. You can be the target of a narcissist's smear campaign for numerous reasons. It can be anything from her insane jealousy, to her suspecting you see the truth about her, to concealing abuse or even for simply disagreeing with her. 

My narcissistic mother was inordinately concerned about her image, her false image.  So even if you did nothing but cause her to look bad by comparison in any way, even if only in her own eyes, she used the smear campaign. It is just one more form of intimidation and bullying used by abusive, manipulative narcissistic mothers.

Ultimately, the reason for narcissistic mother's smear campaign is she is a narcissist. While the slanderous lies and gossip intensified at times for some of the above reasons, my narcissistic personality disordered mother's smear campaigns never really stopped. It was very much a way of life for someone who spent the vast majority …