Showing posts from August, 2014

5.a. The Scapegoating Narcissistic Mother


© by Gail Meyers The children are often assigned rigid roles in toxic, dysfunctional families where alcoholism, childhood sexual abuse or mental illness is an everyday reality. The assignment of these roles often happens early in childhood, long before the child could possibly have any idea what is truly happening or why. However, even young children quickly understand the unwritten toxic family rules.

These rigid roles and toxic rules are taken very seriously because they are required in order for the closed toxic system to survive and continue. So when you try to get out of your role, to shed this false image that has been forced upon you, the whole family system will often go to extremes to put your back in your place.
Why a Narcissistic Mother Needs a ScapegoatThe scapegoat and the golden child are two of the most widely discussed rigid toxic family rigid roles. Neither of these children are loved or valued for who they truly are, but for the purpose they serve the narcissistic…

5. Narcissistic Mothers Know They Are Manipulating

© by Gail Meyers While we can all be manipulative at times, there are those among us who chronically and deceitfully manipulate others.  My narcissistic mother not only consistently used manipulation tactics, it was as if she was perfecting her craft.  
What is Emotional or Psychological Manipulation? To manipulate is: 
"to negotiate, control or influence something or someone cleverly, skillfully or deviously.""to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner."Who Are the Emotional Manipulators?Ross A. Rosenberg provides a strong foundation by defining an "emotional manipulator" as one with pathological narcissism, including these three personality disorders:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)Or, someone suffering from a chemical or behavioral addiction, such as sex addiction or gambling, is also considered an emotional manipulator because their addiction drives …

4. Will My Narcissistic Mother Ever Change?

The more traits your mother has that fit the disorder, the less likely she is a candidate for successful treatment. This means that you can't fix her and you should not be attempting it. Dr. Karyl McBride Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
© by Gail Meyers
According to experts in the field, successful treatment depends on how narcissistic your mother is. The higher the level of narcissism and the more traits your mother has, the less the likelihood of recovery. Those highest on the narcissism spectrum do not change, ever.

Some believe narcissists are unwilling, while others maintain they are unable to change. This can be an important distinction because it may influence how a compassionate person responds to a narcissist. If a narcissist is unwilling to change then they are accountable for their current condition. If a narcissist is unable to change, the next statement exerted is often along the lines of narcissism being akin to any other disease.

Once it is framed in this way, the next step is …

3. Is My Mother a Narcissist?

Fromm saw the genesis of human evil as a developmental process. We are not created evil or forced to be evil,  but we become evil slowly over time  through a long series of choices. 
Dr. M. Scott Peck People of the Lie

© by Gail Meyers
While some may present their beliefs as fact rather than hypothesis, no one really knows what causes narcissistic personality disorder.  Some believe the enduring, persistent traits of narcissistic personality disorder are purely psychological, with roots possibly tracing back to parenting in childhood.

Others believe narcissism is wholly a spiritual malady, one in which humankind has been dealing with since the dawn of man. Then there are those who believe it is a combination of a mental health condition and a spiritual condition. While others believe there is a physical or biological basis.

Additionally, mental health professionals do not agree as to whether the behavior is conscious and offensive or the older view that it is unconscious and defensive. Ra…

2. Adult Child Abuse of the Scapegoats

In troubled families, abuse and neglect are permitted; it's the talking about them that is forbidden.  Dr. Marcia Sirota

© by Gail Meyers
Toxic families are closed systems. Mine gave all of the typical toxic responses for breaking the unwritten family rule of going to therapy. The therapists are crazier than the patients. You should not air your dirty laundry. They guess they never needed therapy because they are strong enough to handle their own problems.  All of this is rubbish. You do need to find the right therapist, but when you do extraordinary healing can take place. My childhood sexual abuse therapist undoubtedly saved my life.

However, just like any abuser, narcissistic mothers do not appreciate it when your confidence begins to grow, you receive validation, responsibility for the abuse is placed squarely with the abuser, you begin setting healthy boundaries or seeing through their manipulation. So, be warned. During my sexual abuse therapy in the 1980's, the inner ch…

1. Childhood with a Narcissistic Mother and Father

© by Gail Meyers
In small town USA my mother was the third child of a middle class narcissistic couple. Her mother was one of nine children who grew up dirt poor during The Great Depression. Her father was the golden son of an upper-middle class couple. His father was mayor and owned the general store and local tavern. My maternal grandparents were both physically beautiful people who placed a high value on appearance and image. They apparently let my mother know from a young age she did not live up to the standard. She was born in between two illegal abortions forced upon my grandmother by my grandfather and his mother.

Born to a Narcissistic Mother My mother got pregnant as a teenager, as did all of her sisters. She dated my biological father for two years, but before I was even born he was married to someone else and expecting their first child. By the time I was one year old, my mother had already rebounded to my step-father. They married upon his return to the United States f…